Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
