you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
