I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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