goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
