So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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