I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
