cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just found puke in my bra..
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
