ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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