When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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