That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
