oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
