I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
