Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
