You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
