I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
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