went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Still dying that you shit outside
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
