You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
So. Much. Porn.
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