Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
