i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
