Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Randomize
