Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
