Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
