Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
