Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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