it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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