Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
