i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
