Tell her she can't have a vagina
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
