South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
