shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
