I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
