i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
