i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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