The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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