What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
