When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
