FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
