Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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