theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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