my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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