dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
