I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
