Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
