you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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