I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
