I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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