The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
