I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
