Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
