you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
