Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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