The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
