he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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