You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
