Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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