I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
