I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
